


In My Own Time

by madnephelite



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Break Up, Canonical Character Death, Denial, F/M, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-30 05:24:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20809256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madnephelite/pseuds/madnephelite
Summary: Maggie finds Vic sitting on a bench outside the hospital and has a little heart to heart with her about Lucas and Jackson.





	In My Own Time

**Author's Note:**

> While I'm not trashing Jackson in this, I don't think that anyone that likes him or Vic and him together should read this.
> 
> This one made me sob like crazy. I needed to write this to get it out of my system because man did I hate Vic's character after the Grey's premiere. I was so disappointed with her for just forgetting about Lucas and the way she was acting. It really made me wonder if she ever even truly loved him. So I had to write this to fix that awful writing from Krista and undo Vic's character assassination. That was not the Vic we knew from the past two seasons. That was an imposter.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like this. It will make you cry and I mean like full on sob because it took forever to finish it because the tears would always start up again. 
> 
> Let me know what you think.

Vic was sitting on a bench outside of Grey's Sloan Memorial Hospital, waiting for Jackson. They had been seeing each other casually for a few weeks. He was a good friend that kept her company when she felt alone but they hadn't defined what they were to each other or done anything more than kiss a few times.

“Victoria?” She heard and looked up to find Dr. Pierce standing in front of her.

“Hello, Dr. Pierce,” Vic gave her a small smile, not knowing how to react really. Things had been weird since Jackson had broken up with the doctor and started seeing her but Vic always tried to be friendly and nice.

“Please, call me Maggie,” she insisted and Vic nodded. “Um, do you mind if I sit down for a moment?”

“Um, I’m waiting for Jackson so...”

“He's still in surgery. So he will be a while,” she explained and Vic nodded for her to sit down. “I will be blunt here and just say it and I know it’s not my business but Jackson isn't the right guy for you.”

Vic looks at her shocked. She didn’t expect that after weeks of dating her ex.

“You are right, it’s none of your business,” Vic said defensively. “Is that you speaking as a jealous ex-girlfriend?” Vic wondered and Maggie looked taken aback a bit.

“I have no more feelings left for him,” she admitted. “This is me speaking as the doctor of your late fiance,” Vic’s breath hitched.

“Don’t you dare ...” she started as she felt the tears filling her eyes.

“I got to spend some time with him and saw what an amazing guy he was and just how much he loved and adored you,” Maggie took a deep breath and wiped a single tear from her cheek. “The first word he said when he came to was your name and the second and the third. He wanted nothing more than to find you, so he could tell you how much he wanted to marry you,” Vic was full on crying now. “I remember how I warned him that if he left the hospital his heart could stop and he started telling me how if he stayed then his heart could and then suddenly he stopped himself, realizing what he was about to say, and I shook my head and asked if he was about to say something cheesy like his heart would break,” Vic laughed through her tears. She had never heard that story before. “He was so desperate to get to you. He was so upset with himself that he didn’t say yes right away because that’s all he wanted to do. To marry you and be with you forever.”

“I didn’t let him answer. He wanted to say something and I think he wanted to say yes but I wanted him to think about it and be sure he really wanted it, so we decided to meet up the next morning. When he didn’t show up I was so stupid to believe he didn’t want me and then I didn’t pick up my phone because I was mad and he ran away and this is all my fault,” Vic was sobbing now, trying to breathe. “If he hadn’t left that day to find me. If I had picked up my damn phone and told him to stay put and I was on my way...” Vic paused because she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the answer to her question when she was sure she knew it already. “... is there any chance you would have been able to save him? Any chance at all? And please be honest.”

“I…” Maggie started before pausing, looking at Vic with tears in her eyes. “There was a slight chance that if I could have treated him sooner...” Maggie didn’t get to finish the sentence because Vic just had a full on meltdown.

“So, this is all my fault. I killed him. It was me,” Maggie shook her head and moved closer to put her arms around Vic, hugging her.

“No, you can’t think like that. He knew what was at stake. He made a choice.”

“But he could still be here now. We would be married and I wouldn’t feel this way. I wouldn’t feel so empty and miserable and lonely. I miss him. I miss him making me coffee in the morning before taking his shower and how he would always keep my feet warm at night. The way he gently cupped my cheek before kissing me and I miss the way he made me feel so loved and content and cherished and now he is gone and all I have left is this pain and I didn’t want to feel that anymore and I just… I guess I just tried to ignore it and pushed it aside and buried it deep inside of me. I was just missing that feeling that he gave me and Jackson showed interest and I don’t know what I was thinking really.”

“You wanted company and Jackson was there which is fine but if you want what you had with Lucas you need to give yourself time to heal. You didn’t do that. You need to grieve him to be able to move forward and it will take some time but you have to do it. You can’t just ignore it,” Vic nodded. “And if you are looking for what you had with Lucas you definitely won’t find it with Jackson. I mean sure, he can be sweet but the spark I saw in Lucas’ eyes and the way his face lit up when he talked about you,... that will never be Jackson. Trust me, I know.”

Vic looked at her and she had known it herself the entire time but she was telling herself that she deserved someone like Jackson because deep down she blamed herself for Lucas dying and felt like she didn’t deserve to have what she had with Lucas again, so she went with the complete opposite of him, in both looks and character. 

“Look, Victoria. I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life. I know how much he loved you and he would have wanted you to be happy and find love again but I think he would have wanted you to heal first and not blame yourself and jump into something new with someone that will end up hurting you. You deserve better than that.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” Vic replied.

“I am. Take your time to really process this. I know it’s painful to feel that void and agony but you need to let yourself feel it to get better. You can’t just lie to yourself and bury it because you will never be truly happy and he would have wanted you to have the best life.”

Vic nodded and wiped her tears. Maggie offered her tissues and Vic smiled at her. “Thank you, Maggie. I know you may think otherwise but I really did love Lucas. I just didn’t want to deal with the pain. I have never lost someone like that before. I have never loved anyone like that before and Lucas and I were a secret for so long that my friends just didn’t understand what he meant to me because they had never seen us together as a couple. I guess, I just felt like I had to move on quickly so I wouldn’t be a burden to them. I was so stupid.”

“No, you were just trying to go on with your life how you thought other people wanted you to. You need to do what is best for you and not for others. No matter how long it takes.”

Vic blew her nose and wiped some more tears away.

“What’s going on here?” Vic heard Jackson ask.

“I should probably go,” Maggie stood up. “Vic, if you ever need to talk I’m here for you,” she told her and smiled before leaving.

“What happened? Is everything okay?” Jackson asked as he sat down next to her.

“Jackson, you are a nice guy...” she started but didn’t get to say more as he interrupted her.

“Are you breaking up with me? Whatever Maggie said, don’t listen to her.”

“This is not about her. This is about me. This thing we have is not going to work out because I… because I still love Lucas.” 

“Of course you love him. You probably always will.”

“No, I mean, I’m still in love with him and I know that he is dead and I know that it’s stupid to be in love with a dead guy but he was the love of my life and I jumped into this because I thought I had to move on because I wanted to feel something other than pain but this is not healthy for either one of us. You have issues you need to work through and I have to let myself grieve. I owe that to myself and I owe it to Lucas. I need to work through the guilt I still feel over his death. I know he wouldn’t have wanted me to feel responsible for it but I do.”

“Where does that leave us?” He asked harshly and Vic was seeing clearly now.

“There is no us.”

“But what about the last couple of weeks?”

“It was nice but I wasn’t being myself. This,” she points at her clothes, “this is not me. I don’t usually wear this. I don’t even really like burgers. I’m a stale bagels, lukewarm coffee and eggy thing kinda girl,” she smiled as she remembered Lucas’ nickname for her. 

“Then why did you agree to go out?” Vic could tell that he was getting upset with all of this.

“Because you didn’t look at me like I was broken. You didn’t know what had happened while everyone else around me was acting weird. I guess I just wanted to feel normal again. I made the mistake of making myself believe that I had moved on by pretending that Lucas was just some guy I was with for a while because it was easier to accept that I lost a boyfriend because if I had let myself remember him as the love of my life then I don’t think I would have been able to function,” she started crying again. “When he died I woke up every day in such agony. I was trying to make sense of it but it didn’t and most of the time I just wanted to crawl into our bed and just die but I got up and put on a smile and pretended I was fine and I didn’t stop to pretend but I’m done pretending now.” Vic took a deep breath. “I know that Lucas would want me to move on and find love and happiness again because he loved me so much and because that’s who he was. He was kind and gentle, but also rough around the edges and strong. He made me laugh and he made me feel things I didn’t know I could feel. I felt safe and content with him and so loved and cherished. I want that again someday when I’m ready but I’m not ready yet and I don’t want it with you. Lucas was one of a kind and I know I will never find someone like him again and that’s okay. I will eventually find someone who comes close but that is not you.”

“So, you’ve been using me all this time?” He asked angrily.

“I’m not proud of it. I wish I hadn’t because that’s not the person I want to be.”

“You can’t tell me that there is nothing real here between us?” He insisted and Vic sighed.

“No, there is not because I wasn’t being myself. I wasn’t being truthful. So this is not real,” she got up from the bench. “I’m sorry, Jackson but I don’t want to see you anymore.” She said before walking away.

Vic smiled as she felt like herself again for the first time in a long time. She walked to the little flower shop that Lucas had been to when he got hers and picked up her usual bouquet of roses and peonies that looked exactly like the ones he had gotten for her.

When she arrived at the cemetery, she had to steady herself. She hadn’t been there in two weeks. She took a deep breath and walked towards his grave and no matter how many times she had walked up there it had always felt like the first time. Her heart ached as she looked at the tombstone with his name written on it.

Lucas Christopher Ripley

Born November 15, 1975 - Died May 3, 2019

May 3rd had probably been the worst day of her life. Her heart had been shattered that day when Lucas had taken his last breath in her arms and her world had fallen apart. He was still so young and so full of life and they were supposed to have a future together and eventually kids. She remembered that sad look on his face when Travis had asked him if he had any and he had said “No”. Lucas would have been an amazing dad and an amazing husband. 

She looked at the flowers in the vase and they looked fresh. Vic was sure that they were from Frankel who had been a dear friend to Lucas as Vic had found after his death. She smiled and put her flowers into the other vase before she sat down. She traced his name with her fingertips and smiled sadly.

“Hey Lucas, I’m sorry that I haven’t been here in awhile. I brought you flowers. I know how much you loved to smell them. It’s roses and peonies like the ones you got for me to tell me that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me,” she made herself comfortable. “So, I broke up with Jackson. He just wasn’t the right guy for me and it took Maggie to make me realize it. I’ve been walking around pretending to be someone I’m not because I didn’t want to be the real me because the real me is still very much in love with her dead fiance,” she cried. “I mean how pathetic is that?” She laughed through her tears. “I didn’t mean to forget you but it was just easier but I realized that I have to let the pain in, so I can heal and I have to let go of the guilt. If I hadn't been so stubborn you may still be here with me. We would be married now and living together. Everyone would know about us. We could walk the streets hand in hand, laughing and smiling at each other like any other couple. I hate that you were taken from me. I wish you were still here with me because I miss you so much, Lucas. And I’m still in love with you. I mean how can I not be. You were everything I wanted without knowing it,” Vic chuckled and she could hear Lucas chuckle in her mind. “I let myself believe that I was over you but I was kidding myself and I’m sorry. I know that with time I will be able to let go of you and learn to live without you. I know that with time I will find love and happiness again but I can’t force it. I have to be honest with myself and the truth is that I haven’t been dealing with your death because it’s too painful but I will. I promise. I will get better. I will heal. And you will always and forever be in my heart, Lucas Ripley. For the rest of my life.” She wiped her tears away and smiled.

She sat there a little while longer, telling him all about work and the new Chief who was incompetent and not at all spice like her Lucas, no one could be. She told him about Jennifer and how she had decided to move back to Seattle which made Vic happy. When she was done telling him everything, she kissed his tombstone, said goodnight and that she would be back.

She decided to go to their diner and Cam broke out into a big smile when he saw her. She hadn’t been able to go back there since Lucas’ funeral.

“Vic,” he exclaimed and hugged her. Vic smiled as she hugged him back and sat down in her usual booth. “Let me guess, the eggy thing?”

She just grinned and nodded her head as he placed the order and came back to sit down opposite from her where Lucas used to sit.

“How have you been? I haven’t seen you in months.”

“I’m fine or well, I will be. I know that now,” he looked at her confused. “It’s a long story.”

“Well, I got time,” he smiled as Vic’s eggy thing arrived and so she told him everything she had been up to in the last few months. She was afraid that he would judge her about the whole Jackson thing but he nodded in understanding while holding her hand and told her that denial was a part of grief and that’s what had happened.

When Vic finally got home late at night, she snuggled into her bed, her mind drifting to the night after their first fight when they had said “I love you” for the first time. She smiled at that memory before grabbing her phone and listening to his voicemails. She had missed his voice. Afterwards, she put the phone away and pulled the blanket over her body and just let sleep take over. For the first time in months, she was able to really sleep, her mind and heart at ease because she finally stopped pretending to be someone she wasn’t. She wasn’t ready yet to move on but she knew that someday she would be.

**Author's Note:**

> About my other stories.
> 
> I'm happy to say that I won't let Krista win and take Vicley away from me or the fun that I have while writing for them so I will be back with new chapters for sure though that might take a while because I'm kinda at work all the damn time because we are understaffed.
> 
> But at least you don't have to fear that my stories won't be finished.


End file.
